Unsung Heroes: Captain America

People often ask me why I'm such an outspoken advocate for Captain America. For those who don't know me, the question isn't uncalled for—I own a Captain America wallet, backpack, messenger bag, deck of cards, socks, and am constantly talking about him and how awesome he is (I'm super excited for his new movie in two weeks). Typically people's favorite heros are the really big names like Superman, Batman, or Spider-Man who everyone has always known and loved and not some guy who hardly anyone knew until Marvel started making movies about the Avengers. So why do I like him better than all those super powerful heroes? Is it because I'm ridiculously patriotic? No. I love my country but that's not why I love Cap'. 

I love Captain America because, as a member of the Avengers, he fights alongside an immortal god, a genius who can turn into a green giant with limitless strength, another genius who has tons of money and flies around in a mostly indestructible robot suit (as well as, depending on the story arc, a mutant who heals really quickly and has scary claws and many others) so one would expect Steve Rogers, an Irish-American from a lower-middle class New York family who happens to be really fit and has a super durable shield to pale in comparison but he doesn't! In fact, everyone one of them, even the God of Thunder himself, looks up to him as their leader. The reason is because, as Hawkeye puts it in Hawkeye #1, "having Captain America around all the time, he just—the guys just brings out the absolute best in people. You...want to be good when he's around. You really do." Captain America has this infectious heroism about him that, despite his relative dearth in superpowers, compels everyone around him from ego-maniacs like Tony Stark, to killing machines like Wolverine, and even psychotic mercenary assassins like Deapool to be the absolute best they can be. Deadpool, in Deadpool: The good, the bad, and the ugly #1 describes the Captain as "the Tony Robbins of super heroes. The guidance counselor we all want." Even Deadpool loves Captain America so you should too! 

The A-list-ocracy: Web Comics

5) Bearmageddon: The scientifically credible prediction of the apocalypse caused by the rise of mutated grizzly bears who knock the human race off it's throne of superiority on Earth. Beautifully illustrated. Ridiculous plot line. I don't really know what else to say about it, just look at the title. It's awesome on an apocalyptic scale. 

4) XKCD: XKCD is an almost unrelatablly witty comic. If I'm not mistaken it's run primarily by highly intellectual computer programmers and it shows in their work, aside from the fact that it features exclusively two-dimensional stick-figured when I'm sure the writers are more than capable of producing some amazing CGI characters. The jokes will often go over the head of the layman as this comic consists almost exclusively of inside jokes to the intelligentsia but some of them are legitimately hilarious and remind me to not take myself or my intellectual development too seriously. Some comics of theirs are even kind of serious and poignant and prompt some introspection which is interesting and rare for a web comic. 

3) Yehuda Moon: Yehuda Moon is the story of a radically bearded bicycle zealot who co-owns a small, haunted bike shop called "The Kickstand." As a cyclist myself I can't help but adore this comic. It touches on so many aspects, both positive and negative, of the life of a cyclist and reminds me when I'm trying to fight my way through rain, snow, and wind that I'm not alone out there and that the spirit of Yehuda will always guide me. I can't tell you how often I've considered commuting in a car on a bad weather day and then thinking, "What would Yehuda do?" and then, with a grimace of pride, mounted my steel steed and charged into the tempest. 

2) Hyperbole and a Half: Hyperbole and a Half is a web comic that tells stories with the wit and comedic force that most stand-up comedians could only dream of. The author, Allie Brosh, tells stories from her past equipped with gut-bust ugly rudimentary illustrations and I loved it so much I couldn't help but buy her book which I will occasionally graze through and find myself on the floor struggling for breath within minutes. 

1) The Oatmeal: Just about the funniest thing ever. The Oatmeal is run by a guy with supreme artistic talents who chooses to take those talents, chew them up, swallow them, then regurgitate them in the form of demented, cock-eyed, fat people and cats. The subjects of his comics range from detailed analyses on why Nokolei Tesla is far Superior to Thomas Edison to the life and times of the "Bobcats." His illustrations are hilarious and crazy, his diction is extravagant, and there is just nothing bad about it. 

Sriracha: One Condiment to Rule Them All

Also, I only recently watched American Psycho

I will be very candid, readers, and admit that for many years I resisted the sriracha craze. I thought, "how great could something that's seen nowhere but Noodles & Co, cheap Chinese restaurants, and hipsters' refrigerators really be?" so I continued living my life of lame old condiments boasting pitiful levels of zest and pizazz, I was probably a significantly less friendly person back then as well. But worry not, readers, for I have realized the error of my ways and discovered the One Condiment! My life will never be the same. I now put sriracha on everything from pizza to hummus to the actual Asian food for which it is intended to just about everything else because it goes well with most things. So if you are one of those fools like I used to be who still doesn't think sriracha is the bomb then I highly recommend you really give it a good, thorough second chance because I think you will be surprised. Enjoy! 

P.S. I have literally heard sriracha be described as tasting like EXCLAMATION MARKS!!! 

Self-Cleaning Toilets!

Don't worry folks, there's a better way

What's a super menial job that literally everyone hates doing not because it's so difficult and requires great cognitive faculties but simply because it is degrading and insulting and just feels bad? Cleaning toilets, that's what! To make matters worse, all toilets ever have pretty much everything they need to clean themselves built in. Toilets, for those who aren't familiar, are built in with a device that makes an abundance of water swirl around inside the bowl for a while before being sucked into oblivion, never to be seen again (hopefully), and then refills itself with fresh, clean water. So why has no one installed into the tank of a toilet a device that contains some sort of alkaline fluid (such as, you know, soap) that can be released from time to time when flushed that will then swirl around with the water in the bowl, scrub off all the scum and hard water stains and anything else that may be sullying the pristine porcelain, and then be sucked away alone with it to be replaced by clean water as usual? 

I will be sitting here, patiently waiting for Scrubbing Bubbles to contact me offering a partnership on this. 

~Noley-Boy

P.S. I swear I'm not drunk. I'm totally serious. 

Deadweight Loss: The Importance of Holiday Lists

     

       For most people I've talked to, writing lists of gifts one wants for the holidays (or birthdays) makes one come across as greedy. Most people respond with an attitude akin to: "Excuse me, but I put an extremely moderate amount of thought into this gift thus you should be happy regardless as to whether or not you would ever use it in a million years because I thought of you for five minutes and that's a big deal." Of course being thought of for five minutes is a big deal and you should all be grateful that there are people in your lives who acknowledge your existence and are willing to engage in capitalist traditions of spending money on you. However, random, thoughtful gift giving with no guiding resource is not economically efficient in most cases and holiday lists actually show that a person cares about their loved ones enough to want them to optimally allocate their financial resources. Here's why:

The Race Is On! Apple Acquires PrimeSense

Only a matter of time...

       Good news everybody! Apple Inc. is moving to purchase PrimeSense, the company responsible for the development of the technology behind the first X-Box Kinect. The acquisition is set around $345 million dollars. I've discussed the implications of this acquisition with a couple trusted compadres and it's getting pretty heated and exciting. The main thing I could come up with as to what Apple would want to do with this kind of hands-free technology is for an Apple television–I can't see this ever catching on in the mobile technologies sphere, I think that would just look silly–where one would be able to access applications, type, play games, etc. all by waving one's arms around and sitting on a couch. So awesome! Don't worry ladies and gentlemen, that's not even the most exciting part. The most exciting part is that both Samsung and Google are reported to be working on their own gesture-based hands-free technology which means an all-out war has been waged for which technologies superpower will be the first to perfect this technology. Get ready for an awesome gladiator battle of technology between Apple–this being their first big opportunity for innovation since the death of Steve Jobs (may he rest in peace), Samsung–who allready have some really advanced televisions to work off of. Google–a giant monster, and Microsoft–who, in my opinion doesn't really stand a chance against these competitors. My surces and I believe Apple will pull out the first, most streamlined, and perhaps nicest looking design in the short run but that after a while Samsung will pull ahead with a more innovative and advanced system. I'm so excited about this. Stay tuned.

Noble Novels: The Master and Margarita

Woland, Behemoth, and Korovyov

       First off, how on earth has it been so long and I haven't written a Noble Novels on this noblest of novels! Shame on me. Mikhail Bulgakov's The Master and Margarita is easily one of the best novels of the 20th century. It tells the story of the devil who calls himself Professor Woland visiting Moscow in a belligerently atheistic time period along with a retinue composed of a giant, vodka swilling cat, a sly ex-choir master, a naked witch, and a red-headed gunslinger. As Moscow essentially falls to it's knees as it is enveloped by the flames of devilish chaos, a novel written by a psychotic author called "The Master" about Pontius Pilate's trial of Yeshua Ha-Notsri (Jesus the Nazarene) as Pilate recognizes a powerful and spiritual craving for this peasant Yeshua and yet later reluctantly submits and allows Yeshua's execution causing himself great personal distress. The Devil and his retinue move to break the Master out of a Muscovite insane asylum and to reunite him with his former mistress, Margarita, leaving Moscow's rigid, bureaucratic social structure practically disintegrated in their wake.