Self-Cleaning Toilets!

Don't worry folks, there's a better way

What's a super menial job that literally everyone hates doing not because it's so difficult and requires great cognitive faculties but simply because it is degrading and insulting and just feels bad? Cleaning toilets, that's what! To make matters worse, all toilets ever have pretty much everything they need to clean themselves built in. Toilets, for those who aren't familiar, are built in with a device that makes an abundance of water swirl around inside the bowl for a while before being sucked into oblivion, never to be seen again (hopefully), and then refills itself with fresh, clean water. So why has no one installed into the tank of a toilet a device that contains some sort of alkaline fluid (such as, you know, soap) that can be released from time to time when flushed that will then swirl around with the water in the bowl, scrub off all the scum and hard water stains and anything else that may be sullying the pristine porcelain, and then be sucked away alone with it to be replaced by clean water as usual? 

I will be sitting here, patiently waiting for Scrubbing Bubbles to contact me offering a partnership on this. 

~Noley-Boy

P.S. I swear I'm not drunk. I'm totally serious. 

Deadweight Loss: The Importance of Holiday Lists

     

       For most people I've talked to, writing lists of gifts one wants for the holidays (or birthdays) makes one come across as greedy. Most people respond with an attitude akin to: "Excuse me, but I put an extremely moderate amount of thought into this gift thus you should be happy regardless as to whether or not you would ever use it in a million years because I thought of you for five minutes and that's a big deal." Of course being thought of for five minutes is a big deal and you should all be grateful that there are people in your lives who acknowledge your existence and are willing to engage in capitalist traditions of spending money on you. However, random, thoughtful gift giving with no guiding resource is not economically efficient in most cases and holiday lists actually show that a person cares about their loved ones enough to want them to optimally allocate their financial resources. Here's why:

The Race Is On! Apple Acquires PrimeSense

Only a matter of time...

       Good news everybody! Apple Inc. is moving to purchase PrimeSense, the company responsible for the development of the technology behind the first X-Box Kinect. The acquisition is set around $345 million dollars. I've discussed the implications of this acquisition with a couple trusted compadres and it's getting pretty heated and exciting. The main thing I could come up with as to what Apple would want to do with this kind of hands-free technology is for an Apple television–I can't see this ever catching on in the mobile technologies sphere, I think that would just look silly–where one would be able to access applications, type, play games, etc. all by waving one's arms around and sitting on a couch. So awesome! Don't worry ladies and gentlemen, that's not even the most exciting part. The most exciting part is that both Samsung and Google are reported to be working on their own gesture-based hands-free technology which means an all-out war has been waged for which technologies superpower will be the first to perfect this technology. Get ready for an awesome gladiator battle of technology between Apple–this being their first big opportunity for innovation since the death of Steve Jobs (may he rest in peace), Samsung–who allready have some really advanced televisions to work off of. Google–a giant monster, and Microsoft–who, in my opinion doesn't really stand a chance against these competitors. My surces and I believe Apple will pull out the first, most streamlined, and perhaps nicest looking design in the short run but that after a while Samsung will pull ahead with a more innovative and advanced system. I'm so excited about this. Stay tuned.

Noble Novels: The Master and Margarita

Woland, Behemoth, and Korovyov

       First off, how on earth has it been so long and I haven't written a Noble Novels on this noblest of novels! Shame on me. Mikhail Bulgakov's The Master and Margarita is easily one of the best novels of the 20th century. It tells the story of the devil who calls himself Professor Woland visiting Moscow in a belligerently atheistic time period along with a retinue composed of a giant, vodka swilling cat, a sly ex-choir master, a naked witch, and a red-headed gunslinger. As Moscow essentially falls to it's knees as it is enveloped by the flames of devilish chaos, a novel written by a psychotic author called "The Master" about Pontius Pilate's trial of Yeshua Ha-Notsri (Jesus the Nazarene) as Pilate recognizes a powerful and spiritual craving for this peasant Yeshua and yet later reluctantly submits and allows Yeshua's execution causing himself great personal distress. The Devil and his retinue move to break the Master out of a Muscovite insane asylum and to reunite him with his former mistress, Margarita, leaving Moscow's rigid, bureaucratic social structure practically disintegrated in their wake.

Apologies and Updates

     

Ha! Reminds me of my sister...

       Hello! To begin, I would like to apologize for how long it has been since I posted in here. I have, however, decided that I am going to try to post in here more often and see if I can grow this into a fruitful weblog. The reason why it's been so long since I've posted is because since my last post TONS of things have happened! So once again, I apologize for slacking but thank you for joining me while I get you caught up. 

The Savage Surrenders: Grammar

       

I surrender! 

       I confess, I can definitely be described as a "Grammar Nazi"--so to speak-- but I've read some enlightening literature lately that has opened my eyes and I have decided to attempt to initiate a more laissez-faire approach to the english language. Honestly, this is not actually a surrender. I am not nor will I ever be happy about ending sentences in prepositions, subject-verb disagreements, nonsensically misused figures of speech, or homophone errors but I will attempt to look at them with more positivity and understanding from now on. I suppose this is less of a surrender and more the outlining of my demands for a mutually beneficial treaty.       

The Economics of Friendship

     

So cute

       I know a lot of people who have a lot of friends. As a matter of fact, most people I know have more friends than I. I could go on forever with theories as to why this could be (mass political conspiracy, I presume) but this is no time to discuss sociology. Sometimes I think about my relative dearth of close friends and I feel some degree of sadness but most of the time I'm pretty okay with it. I've been thinking of reasons why that may be and what I came up with was a simile involving money.

Horrid Social Injustices Equipped with Feline Compensation!

     

       May it be well known that my home is being remodeled. I'll have you know, also, that this is not your ordinary remodeling. This is a heinous and tyrannical desecration of all I hold sacred. It should also be known that I am being shamelessly dramatic and the preceding sentence is the epitome of hyperbole. However, it is true that my house has turned into a studio apartment and there is one room that is now furnished for three rooms thus resulting in one, seriously cramped dining-living-cooking-room chimera that is, in a word, unpleasant. To combat this issue I decided, this evening, to go for a stroll along my neighborhood. This was painfully boring. This was painfully boring until I initiated a bit of a challenge/ game type thing to entertain myself and that was to see how many cats I could find hiding in and around the properties of their own homes. This was astoundingly successful and was the source of ample amusement for me. Throughout the remainder of my stroll I met somewhere around seven cats one of which was, I swear to god, Behemoth. He was black and he was absolutely giant and not in a fat way, just enormous like a panther and he stared at me with mischievous, unblinking eyes as I walked past. So I suppose it's not all bad; my questionable living environment has allowed for increased feline interaction. Huzzah!

~Nobilis Saeva

Speaking of Behemoth, I think it's about time for another Noble Novel. 

My Week in the "Zempire"

       The giant trade show known as Outdoor Retailer (OR for short) visited, as it does twice a year, my city of residence this week. I, due to my family's connections in this industry, was called upon as a bit of a taskmaster for a footwear company called ZEMgear or just Zem. The name is a clever and catchy acronym for Zone of Endless Motion. I, being primarily a bicyclist, had never really looked into the minimalist "barefoot" footwear industry in which Zem is a frontrunner but I'm always happy to meet new people, make new connections, and support the allies and clients of my family's business so naturally I accepted the mission. My week in the Zempire was by no means one of menial errands and indentured servitude but instead a fascinating and priceless opportunity.

Am I a Grandmaster Yet?

     
       For those who haven't noticed on the right-hand panel of this page, my Elo rating on chess.com has gone up by around 200 in the last month or so. This is all good and well except it's still only in the mid 1200's. Allow me to offer some background on this: Last year, around the end of September, I encountered a bit of a transitional phase that left me to reevaluate my life a little but which is a shameless euphemism for, "I had way too much time on my hands" so I was brainstorming with a close friend of mine and fellow blogger as to how I should fill this time. We decided the best possible option would be for me to become really good at chess. Of course my friend and I are no virgin's when it comes to setting goals so we knew we needed to be a little more specific so it became the following: Achieve and Elo Rating of at Least 1700 in One Year. 
       Why 1700? 1700 is a completely arbitrary number that we thought was the highest attainable score for anyone in a year. It is considered class B in the chess world. It's an honorable rating but it's not legendary. The problem is that I, like most people, dabbled in chess with my father as a young lad but by the time I made this goal it had been a couple years since I had played. I got a chess.com account and immediately proceeded to lose game after game after game until my rating was solidly in the 800s. Bad, bad news for someone on deadline. The good news is that I've gotten better! I can somewhat consistently beat players in the 1300's and my rating is steadily climbing. Unfortunately, the deadline that we set was October 1st, 2013 which is fast approaching so I really need to up the ante and play a whole lot more-- and, more importantly, win a whole lot more-- if I want to get there which I very much do because I really do not like losing challenges.
    In other news, I have begun rehearsing the aforementioned Sonata for Eb Saxophone and Piano by Heiden with a friend of mine who just so happens to be an exceptional pianist for a competition this fall so that will take some serious work as well. Wish me luck!

~Nobilis Saeva

Unsung Heroes: Bernhard Heiden

Look at this cutie...

       Another little-known master of his trade is a German musician and composer by the name of Bernhard Heiden. Heiden was born in Frankfurt, Germany to a family of amateur musicians who introduced him to music at a very young age. He studied music in both Germany and the US most notably under a renowned neoclassical composer named Paul Hindemith. He wrote hundreds of blasphemously under-appreciated compositions and was the first man ever to successfully write sonatas for the saxophone, a feat that earned him my utmost love because poor Noble is so often neglected and overlooked when I play in classical settings because saxophones simply don't get no respect.
       From an early age, Heiden's musical fluency had become blatantly obvious. At age five, he began to study piano, violin, clarinet, harmony, and music theory. Then, just one year later, he wrote his first composition. For those who struggle with math, that would make him six years old which is astounding because most of us can hardly write words at age six much less compose a musical masterpiece. I, to this day, do not think I have adequate musical powers to write a song of merit and I am quite a bit older than six. He later began to study at the Hochschule fur Musik in Berlin where he met his life-long mentor, Paul Hindemith. Heiden Moved to Detroit in 1935 to distance himself from the rapidly growing Nazi party where he took countless simultaneous jobs in the music industry. It was also at this point that he wrote his most famous and influential piece, his Sonata for Eb Saxophone and Piano.
       Heiden's style is very distinct and unorthodox for his time. Music critic Nicholas Slonimsky aptly described it as "neoclassical in its formal structure, and strongly polyphonic in texture; it is distinguished by its impeccable formal balance and effective instrumentation." To be honest, I was startled when I found this quote because most reputable music critics abhorred Heiden's style because he was weird and I couldn't believe a critic from that era would describe anyone with the audacity to impose saxophones on classical spheres as having "effective instrumentation"but good for you, Slonimsky! Though it is certainly true that despite his unorthodox tendencies, his style was certainly influenced by the neoclassical movement and played a major role in its revival. The mood of his music is definitely old-fashioned--almost baroque-- it's just that the techniques he implements make it unorthodox with his quirky polyphony, sporadic syncopation, and tense counterpoint between lead and accompaniment but it is those very stylistic devices that make me see him as one of the most creative and under-appreciated composers of all time.

Allow Me to Introduce Myself

       You may have noticed that this blog is very... diverse, which may or may not be a euphemism for scatter-brained. One reason for this is because I'm new to this and another is simply because I too am scatter-brained and have too many interests for my own good. Furthermore, I think one will get more out of my writing if one knows a little about me so here are the top ten facts about the Noble Savage:

1. My name really is Noble. I'm kind of self conscious about this fact because I think it makes me sound pretentious. Of course, we can decide for ourselves whether or not I, in fact, am pretentious but I definitely don't want anyone deciding that as soon as they hear my name. Also, with a name like this I almost felt obligated to created a blog titled using silly wordplay. 
2. I like to ride bicycles. I don't care for cars and try to only use them when going on a date or giving a friend a ride as a favor so I try to commute on a bicycle as much as I can. I also race with a team called Saltcycle-Intelitechs, a spectacular group of smelly, bearded champions. I own an Iro fixed gear that I built myself from the ground up for commuting and a carbon fiber Bianchi for racing. 
3. I play the saxophone. I am primarily a jazz artist and mostly perform with jazz combos. I have never really been able to wrap my head around classical saxophone playing because I just don't really think the saxophone was designed for classical music but I have fiddled with some classical solos from time to time. Interestingly enough, though, I actually leave for a tour through Europe two days from now with a large wind ensemble. This is very strange because it is the first time I have ever played in a large group and I really have no idea how to do it; I am totally shooting from the hip. 
4. I love chess. I love to play chess and many of my friendships have been forged using the game's righteous flames. As you can see by my chess.com Elo score, I am a mediocre chess player at best but I think I can hold my own and I love to play even when I lose so long as it is a valiant and honorable defeat. Chess is cool! If you disagree you don't know anything. Also, feel free to challenge me if you have a chess.com profile and tell me you read this because it will make me feel really good if anyone actually sees this post. My username is Nobilis_Saeva. Huzzah!

Savage Style: The Tie/Lapel/Shoulder Ratio

     

In my opinion, the man on the left is wearing a lapel too wide for his body. 

       Today I will once again venture into uncharted waters and initiate a style column. For those who are concerned about my credentials I assure you my tips are sound and worthy of your consideration. I have grown up in an entrepreneurial family working in the fashion industry and therefore have been exposed to the ever-changing world that is fashion and have developed an affinity for its study. I dream of a world where no one gives up on themselves and throws on a pair of Ugg boots and sweatpants because it's "comfortable." I dream of a world where everyone strives to look their best always and draws comfort from their suave wardrobe and not their elastic waistbands therefore I feel, despite my heterosexuality, plenty qualified to offer fashion advice. To begin, I will explain a simple rule for men: the Tie/Lapel/Shoulder ratio:

Noble Novels: House of Leaves Op. 1

      I feel irresistibly inclined to mention this book but I'm afraid that my thoughts on Mark Z. Danielewski's House of Leaves are much too jumbled and chaotic to coherently record at this time. This book has affected my so strongly and left such an impact, however, that I cannot help but mention it. What I may do and the reason why I entitled this post as "Op. 1" is, over time, to repeatedly revisit this novel and write about it as a gradually study it further and come to grasp it slightly better so here goes my first exploration.

Noble Novels: The Great Gatsby

     

       At last, I am going to do something I have longed to do for a very long time. I am going to, first of all, begin a series of literary critiques on interesting, sometimes obscure, novels that I feel are worth mentioning. This is the first post I have written of its kind and I find myself indecisize as to how I should proceed. Honestly, I have no idea how to review a novel but I do love to read them and subsequently think about them so I would like to give it a shot-- please bear with me. Second of all I am going to begin with an incredibly not obscure novel, F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Great Gatsby and am going to do so from the point of view of a much more cynical, blunt fellow than he or she who often writes on this subject. In my opinion, this unorthodox analysis is long overdue in the world of the internet.